Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
