A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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