the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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