she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
