i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
