my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
