If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
