I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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