Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
