he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
