i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
