My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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