she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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