Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
