i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
