and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
