just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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