the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
