Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
