yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He better not be in your backpack
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Randomize
