I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
