My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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