i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
