you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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