scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
What drink are we having for lunch?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
