I think I won the penis lottery.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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