I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
