My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
