Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
