I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
