a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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