your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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