just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
