the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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