I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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