I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Thank you for not boning my boss.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
