There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
