watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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