Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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