Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
