I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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