Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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