I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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