You just made me feel so damn special
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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