On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
