I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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