Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
