do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
