dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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