I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
time to smoke my breakfast
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
