to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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