I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
